In Praise of Global Warming

Thursday, December 13, 2007

In PRaise of Global Warming

IN PRAISE OF GLOBAL WARMING

"It isn't pollution that’s harming the environment,

it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." G.W.BUSH

I love Vermont in the warm weather and if this spell of warm-to-chilly weather would continue for another six months I'd be quite happy. Although I would like to think of myself as politically au courant and progressive in my views, I am afraid that my current evolving philosophy will jar many of my colleagues on the left. Simply, I think there are some significant merits in global warming that people fail to fully appreciate.

First of all, there appear to be as many people with Seasonal Affective Disorder in Vermont as there are cows. Considering that there are more cows in Vermont than there are people, this leads me to believe we have a virtual epidemic. What is SAD caused by? The lack of sun and warm days. Of course there are bright sunny days in winter, but it does not compare to the kind of a day where the sun is shining and it is a nice moderate 64 degrees. You may have sun, but the cold still tells you it is winter. Therefore, no matter how bright a winter day is, you still have the SAD issue. You are also less likely to go outdoors in the sunshine when it is 10 degrees outside.

It is not only a health, but an economic issue as well. The multi-million dollar budget for snow removal, salting, and springtime road maintenance should make anyone stop in their tracks and seriously question the merits of winter. When you really look beyond the quaint image of Vermont winter snow, you will realize how lovely, but absurd is the notion of a winter snowstorm. Where do we want snow? It belongs on top of a mountain. But it's not any fun to ski with layers of bulky clothes or with your toes freezing. Of course not. This brilliance of global warming! The gazillion tons of plastics that we use can be recycled as miles of piles of beautiful white synthetic snow. And, it’s as soft as lamb’s wool to fall on. Best of all, it is easy to maintain and you can ski on it year-round. When you don't want it around anymore, simply vacuum it up, neat and tidy. Snow in Vermont? Please, what an antediluvian concept. Vermont and America in the new global warming era offer exciting possibilities never fully imagined before.

As any well informed and truly progressive environmentalist knows – global warming will not only have an impact on Vermont, it will spread from sea to rising sea. Shorelines will erode and sea levels will rise. The old inefficient shoreline moves away, and now we have a brand new vista. It seems absurd to spend billions of dollars pouring sand and rocks to stabilize the shorelines. No, let Mother Nature do her thing, to a point. Of course there will be some homes that may find themselves a few hundred yards out in the water – but imagine the possibilities! Diving off your front porch into the ocean! That kind of real estate would have to be at a premium – it would even make Trump salivate. We would be able to open a new market for beachfront property. That is the problem with the environmentalist and the radical Green Party folks. They only look at the narrow point of view.

I've often thought that was the main problem with Vermont. We don't have any oceanfront property. I could stop sneaking out during the winter and can stay put right here. I'd have the best of all worlds. I'd have warm winters and beachfront property, and never leave home. Furthermore, all those negative oceanic ions would be so perfectly therapeutic

I love hugging trees as much as the next guy, but we need to balance tree hugging with the larger picture. That isn't gonna change. No, sir. "Conservation," as Dick Cheney said, "is an idea of personal virtue." And there is nothing wrong with personal virtue, but wake up and smell the air. We are a fossil burning, fuel guzzling, industrially powered and consumer-based society. I'm sure if the founding fathers had had a little more foresight, they would have written it into the constitution: "An inalienable right to life, liberty, consumerism, and the pursuit of happiness."

Eventually, as any idiot can tell you, we will run out of oil. Maybe it will be fifty years or a hundred years from now? Who knows? Will conservation squeak out a few more years? Maybe. So what is next?. Eventually whatever comes down the pike – hydrogen, helium – we will have the corner on that market. For now, bring on the SUV tanks! A robust auto industry equals a dynamic industrial base. Do we want those puny, effeminate European cars? The larger and more virile the car, the more natural resources are needed, which in turn stimulates the economy. When we run out of natural resources, we can create synthetic resources. With all the trash we've generated over the past one hundred years of the Industrial Evolution I'm sure we can make resources that would make Mother Nature green with envy.

Everybody works and everybody profits – that is as American as Mom and apple pie. Mom would be happy too. The next time Mom is at the mall and a terrorist threatens to abduct her, she can run him over with her SUV. Then all we'll need to do is to teach her how to park the beast. You see, these monstrous gas-thirsty beasts not only fuel (so to speak) the growth of auto companies and therefore the economy – they protect our moms as well. It can't get more perfect than that. I might even buy Mom an assault rifle to go with her new truck.

Pollution control? Absolutely! I am not one of those libertarian nuts, but both sides have to get a little more creative in their thinking. We don't want the smoke, we want the heat. Unfortunately, the thing we have failed to remember is that global warming is not new. If you think industrial power plants generate heat, can you imagine a world of dinosaurs? Can you imagine the amount of flatulence that each one of these creatures generated? No wonder the world was warmer then. I personally wouldn't want to be swimming in a world of dinosaur farts; however, for millions of years they did fine, albeit a little odiferous. Complain about an oversized SUV? Tiny compared to those creatures and their effluence.

The real issue is keeping the larger picture in mind – global warming – not turning the whole place into equatorial Africa, but a nice mild level where we can do away with these disastrous and devastating winters. The American farm belt shut down for winter? No, more! The manifest destiny of the modern industrial society is to rule over nature, not to be ruled by it. The benefits are enormous. Imagine year-round farming, and the profits it would generate. Industrial Chicago would never again be shut down by a snow storm. Keep the industry in the heart of America.

There are numerous advantages to Global Warming that the Greens and those so-called progressives fail to fully embrace. Can you imagine the temerity of a group of people who want to restrict drilling in the remote regions of Alaska? The nature of species is to die off. If the creature is hardy enough to survive a little progress, then it and all of its furry friends are welcome to jump on the wagon to the New Millennium. Progress means prosperity and prosperity means America. The air might be a little hazy and the breathing might be a little constricted might be a little tight, but hey, it's part of the evolutionary roll.

While my thinking may be ahead of the curve, the merits of global warming cannot be taken lightly. That is the problem of contemporary society and the doomsayers: They only embrace the narrow and negative point of view.

Can anyone in his or her right mind argue with this?